My Nemesis

I don't even "like"-like Doritos.

Stupid Doritos.

But, in all their tangy deviousness, they always seem to find me and make me eat them.

Wily Wankers.

I can't eat just one.

People, I lie to you not when I say I don't like them.

I have never "craved" Doritos. There has never been an itch in my buds of taste that only Doritos could scratch. I have never thought, "You know what would be great with this sandwich? Doritos." I have never made up songs about my undying love for Doritos. My like, tastes, cravings and undying love aside....me and Doritos..... definitely a reluctant relationship.

When I managed a before and afterschool care program, any child who had eaten Doritos for snack was not allowed to breathe their Dorito Dust Breath in my general area. Specifically Doritos brand chips. While that may seem an extreme reaction (And.......let's face it....... SLIGHTLY mental.), I couldn't stand the smell of Doritos.

And...yet.....I could eat a whole bag without giving it a second thought.

And therein lies the crux of the problem. I DON"T LIKE THEM and yet I eat them. It has happened in the past that I have eaten a lot of them all whilst specifically not liking them.

Good lord, you are thinking......why are you eating them if you don' t like them?!?!

Well, I don't hate them (despite Dorito Dust Breath issues in my past), and while I am eating them they taste alright. They taste okay. If one tastes alright, might as well have another. I don't really think about it. I mean, they are good enough, I guess. I guess the crunch is nice and satisfying, the tang DOES give a little zippy compliment to a sandwich.

I don't know.

I lie. DId you see that? I just lied to your face.

I DO know. I made a vow to be straight with you. I eat them, and not just them---they have food friends, because I don't think about it. If I see them, I think, "Eh. Yeah, alright. I guess I'll eat some Doritos." And it's not just Doritos; it could be a myriad of food products.

Which is exactly why I have always been Ms. Fullerton. I eat mindlessly. If the food is in front of me, or on a nearby table, or whatever.....it's like Pavlov:

"There is food." "I should eat it." "I should continue to eat it."

I don't stop to think, or I didn't stop to think, "Am I even hungry?" And if I am, "Is this really what I want?"

At this point, the climax of the show, once the realizations have been made, truths have been told, confessions made........we could expect a pledge. A heartfelt, Scarlet O'Hara vengeful, tear streaked pledge (complete with sun setting in the background), "As God as my witness, I shall never eat another Dorito as long as I live!!!!" (Cue music and fade out.)

Whatever, Drama Diva.

I know myself well enough to know that the next time I see the Doritos, I will start to do what I have always done and if I have pledged to "...never eat another Dorito as long as I live!!!" Then, I WILL want them. Suddenly Doritos are my new BFF and I will crave them. The Dorito Dust will have infiltrated my brain and I will dream about them. And I might go to the Cenex specifically to buy a bag......to NOT eat??? Right. (NOW who is Diva Drama?)

All I can do is---stop. Just stop and think about whether I REALLY want the Doritos in front of me. And if I don't, then there I have it. IF I do want Doritos, then I can have a couple, and then assess the situation. "Do I want more or am I good with what I have already had?" And then stop. There is no way I could eat a whole bag with the assessments being made. No way.

Doritos are on notice. I've got my eye on you.