I Am Not a Militant Freakshow.

So. There I was in an all fire hurry to get the shoes (Oh, the shoes....) the other day. I have reached critical mass once again and I feel the need to do something about it. Also a motivation to start the blog, actually.

I have always been a "Big Boned Gal". Even big headed, and not in the egotistical sense. Literally. A BIG head. My mom enjoys telling people that whilst I was a babe, she had to make sure to get the shirts with snaps on the side so that she could get the darn thing over my head. Pretty Girl.

We're gonna start with a clean slate here, no secrets between us. I don't want to be model thin. Nor do I want to be "thin" or "skinny" as a label. I just want to be healthy. That in and of itself is a change from a decade ago. I DID want to be "thin" as a label. As in, "Yeah, the girl over there...the "Thin" one." That ship has sailed, my friend. The desire, not the reality. I could be "thin" but I think I would obsess about food too much (read: More.) and I would have to work out much more than I am right now (read: None.) and gasp on a REGULAR BASIS. Those that know me, know that while I am gung ho in the beginning about working out and watching what I eat (read: Militant Freakshow.)....it doesn't last.

Let's step inside the Way Back Machine for a moment, shall we? From what I can remember ....besides sneaking the Oreos when no one was looking by climbing up on the counter....I know. It's not a pretty thing to admit. But, it's out there. So.........my first experience with my "issues" was Diet Center in 6th Grade. Yep, folks. 6th grade, on an official diet where you go in to get weighed (I can't remember if this one was weekly or daily.). How old are you in 6th grade? 12? 11? Christ. All I took away from that was the memory of homemade mayonnaise. I hearted it.

Again, Diet Center in 11th grade. I look at pictures from High School and think, "Cripes, I looked pretty good. What was the deal?" But, I clearly remember, CLEARLY, hating my body and the way that I looked. Why don't the young realize what they have and just enjoy life? If I could go back for real, I would give myself a real good talking to. For sure.

Summer after graduating, spent in Ecuador. Let's just say that my new intestinal friends helped with the weight loss effort. Didn't last.

College was fun, but not necessarily my shining moment in terms of healthy eating.

OH! I forgot my Richard Simmons kick in junior high??? At some point in my life, I watched the Richard Simmons show, I might or might not have exercised along with Richard. (He is a "Richard", not a Rich, Richie, Dick, Dickie...this is a case of where the personality is name-specific.) Again, not proud, but there it is. I think I even had his book, one of them, in my possession at one time. Oh, the shame.

Various Diets With a Capital D that I have tried (and remember):

South Beach Diet (Ick. And WAY too expensive.)

French Women Don't Get Fat (But apparently this "diet" does not get past immigration in my house, although it had some really, REALLY good, helpful information about changing my mindset towards food, weight, dieting, exercising, etc.)

Weight Watchers [To date: I believe 3, maybe 4 times. It is a really good program, and one of the most sensible..........but, as I said, I am NOT a militant Freakshow. I do okay at the beginning because I have something to focus on and obsess over (counting points, not counting points, getting all my dairy in, blah blagh, blahhhhhh.), but eventually I hate the control and restrictions I place on myself and slowly sneak back into old habits. It really works for some people and I truly, honestly, not-trying-to-be-Pollyanna-here am really happy for them. And oddly proud of them, even though I don't know these Nebulous, Unknown Weight Watchers.]

The No Fat Diet (Everything you eat is non fat. And also, apparently, non taste. Enter a Doritos Incident.)

"Diets Don't Work" Nope. They don't. And neither does your book.

I am sure there were more official ones, but these are the ones that jump out in my brain. There have been multiple attempts at "Just Eating Right". Read: Just Not Paying Attention.

So. Here I am. I am not a Militant Freakshow. You know the type. It becomes a religion. I can think that I will stick to a diet and exercise, but I know that eventually, I will be found beating myself up and drowning my sorrows, Dorito dust still lingering in the air. (My love hate relationship with Doritos will be discussed in a future post. Let's just say, "We have issues.")

I can't...well, I CAN, but I know that I won't...be the hyper-vigilant dieter who counts calories and fat grams and bottles of water and minutes exercised and calories used, etc. There is a part of me that really wishes that I was. Truly was a Militant Freakshow. Because then this would no longer be an issue for me. Diet Center in 6th grade would have given me the tools and I would be over my dealings with the scale in a frustrating way.

Since I am not a Militant Freakshow, I have to figure out a method that will work for me. The one thing all the business with the Diets above has gotten me is knowledge. All the books I read and meetings I have gone to have given me information. Eat less. Move more. This, I know. We all know it. I eat mindlessly. I eat huge portions. I eat fast. All of it, all of the sordid mess.

I HAVE begun a walking regimen. 30 minutes last night after I posted and 30 minutes this morning. So. There, then. I am not on a diet. I am changing habits to live a healthier life, not to lose weight. Although, that WILL be a byproduct. I weighed 200.5 lbs 3 days ago. I'd like to be able to say I threw out my scale after that, but I didn't. I (in my Militant Freakshow Flashback) have weighed myself every morning and have dropped a pound each day. Duh. I know it is all water, but it feels good. I am not going to be weighing myself every day, I know it won't last and will just serve to frustrate me.

The day I weighed 200.5, my measurements were taken as well........let's discuss that tomorrow. Let's just say it relates to a Letter in the Alphabet and probably not the one you think.

Thus, the blog begun. I have tried "journaling" and it helped for a while. This is just, for me, an uber journal. If I know that people are reading it, then it holds me accountable in a place in my mind where I have supreme trouble holding myself accountable. My plan is to post everyday, sometimes related to my "Healthy Livin", sometimes not. I have sent a link to friends, in the hope that they will read or at least tell me they are reading and if other people stumble upon this blog and take something away, so be it...great. All I ask is for an occasional comment (Thanks, Rach.) every now and then to let me know you are out there. Over and out.