Ruminating.

You can see that I have quite a blog list of blogs that I follow....pretty much on a daily basis.  Often, I wonder whether I have a blog to write or a blog to have easy access to my blogs I check in on....all in one convenient spot.  Some days it is a little bit of column A and a little bit of column B.  Today,   I  read something in  C. Jane Kendrick's post that resonated with me.

"I want my desires to take up less space in my reality."

I have a wonderful life, a wonderful husband, a wonderful dog and I don't know that I stop to view it as wonderful as it all is...as often as I really should.    I am a confirmed  daydreamer.  I won't ever stop this activity, it is part of my nature, who I am.  Plus, I enjoy it.  But the risk in daydreaming is that it can lead to a sense of unrest;  there is an unspoken ambition....correction: a potential ambitiousness.   The implication  is that you will discover a kernel of what you want and then make it happen.    And then you will be done/happy/complete???

But there is the rub, no?  Daydreaming often does not become reality.  Isn't that sort of the definition of daydreaming?  All the What If's, the dream of what your life could be like?  There are many things that I have daydreamed about  that have come to fruition: joining the Peace Corps, travel in general, iplanetude.com,  becoming a teacher, losing weight,  the list is  one that I am proud of----I have made some of my dreams a reality.

I think it is human nature to have desires, to want.  One of my umbrella wants has been and most likely will always be to travel.  It isn't about seeking something that I am missing in my life.  At one time, it probably was---more than I would like to admit.  Seeking a life, seeking drama, seeking adventure.  But the one constant in my attraction to go other places, whether it is across the ocean or across the state, is  a curiosity.  I just want to see  how it is somewhere else.  Just because. With maybe a dash or sprinkling of Raccoon Babyness in as well. 

The side effect of this curiosity is a good one for me.    It becomes a confirmation that I do love my life and it is a life that I have chosen and created because it is what fits for me. I can daydream about what my life might be like in a new location if that were the life I were to choose. I can try it on for daydream size.  In the daydream, the life is perfect.  There are no problems, or bills to pay, or dogs that get sick or language barriers or dissatisfaction or arguments.  That is not reality. 

Ultimately, I choose the life I have. Travel creates an appreciation for what is in front of me....directly in front of me.  Not in in front of me, far off, just out of reach.  

There will always be desires  in front of me, just out of reach.  And I don't think that is a bad thing.    I just needed to be reminded  that what I have  directly in front of me and who I am  is what I have chosen.  I missed my boys while I was gone.  When I traveled as a younger woman, I didn't have that base, that HOME. It feels good to be HOME.  This is my reality and it was a timely reminder in her post today.  I can't let my desires for travel crowd out the fantastic-ness that is right in front of me.  The daydream of travel can't hold a candle to my reality that I have chosen.  It may not fit for someone else, but it fits just perfect for me.

Light

I love the light of spring and summer.

 I am sure it has nothing to do with the fact that there IS light after 4 pm.

Or the smell of fresh cut grass.

Or the fact that there are other people out and about doing out and about things.

I think maybe I am an optimist because I can recall distinctly saying, "__________ is my favorite season!" ---For EVERY season! This usually happens at the beginning when the seasons are changing.  (I am quite sure that I like the change, maybe more than the season....?)

We just came back from Dairy Queen with Lionel where I ordered a Doggie Sundae for him for the first time going through the drive-thru (usually they just give him one once we pull up to the window....a little splash of ice cream with a milk bone stuck in it.)  Today is the day we learned that it is called a Pup Cup.

Love it.  Love the light. Love today.

Sometimes......

There are so many things I want to do in my life and I don't know how to begin.

Do you ever feel like that? Like you are almost overwhelmed by all the possibilities? I mean, I guess that's a good thing, right? It still sucks to feel overwhelmed...... but maybe it is a positive kind of overwhelmed??

I dunno. Someone one more plain spoken might just tell me to just flippin' choose one option and start. Or in an even more straightforward manner: "s@/t or get off the pot!"

But then I am back full circle. I am all about action.....after some extensive stewing.....and that's the problem. How do I choose what to start? What if I choose wrong? How do I JUST START?

Today...."start" seems like a loaded word.

What Do You Daydream About?

Me?

The different ways that I WILL spend the PowerBall when I win it. This takes up a large portion of my walking time, my drive time, occasionally during class when the students are watching a video or working in groups, falling asleep, when I wake up and am lounging in bed, car trips, plane rides, probably in church if I ever went (that could be helpful, yes??)....pretty much a lot of the time.

It is fun. I don't daydream to escape my life; I love my life and where I am at. I do it because that is my personality; I have always daydreamed....pretending I am in a movie (What would the soundtrack be playing right now if this were really a scene? Things like that.), practicing speeches if I were to become President, playing "What If..." constantly. Things like that. I have had the same theme for about 5 years and kept telling myself that "When I win the PowerBall, I will be able to do just that." Then, last spring, things were set into motion that would begin to make that dream a possibility without having to win the PowerBall. It might take a little longer, but it can still happen. I didn't realize the power in that. Truly.

Seriously. I don't know that I have ever dreamt as much about something like this idea before in my life. Not whom I would someday marry, not what my wedding dress would look like, not what I would be when I grew up. And now.......it is actually coming to fruition.

It is scary. (What if it bombs? What if no one "gets" it?)

And powerful. (I helped make this happen...the kernel, the nugget of the idea was my doing. Not the whole thing, mind you. There is no way I could have set the wheels in motion on my own. I know exactly zero on starting this kind of endeavor.)

And inspiring. (What the hell else have I not been doing that I can just up and "do"?)

And mature (Wait. I can just have an idea and I can make it happen somehow? I don't have to ask permission?-----yes, I am 38, what about it? I still feel like a kid sometimes and I think that is a good thing. Young at heart, baby, young at heart.)

And passionate. ( I never would have even come close to persevering if it were something about which I was not this passionate. I would like to think that I would run with a good idea, but the truth is, I would have blown it off long ago.)

I am not quite ready to share "THE" Powerball idea, but I am just damn excited the meter is on. I'll keep you all posted.