I'm Back. I Think.

I can't believe it has been five weeks. Poor Form, young (maybe not so young) lady, poor form. Super Sorry. Let me fill you in. GREs, Advisory Thingy, Sophie.

I have decided to take the GREs in March. Great, super, I have been thinking about getting my Ph.D. for the past year plus. So, this GRE thing is a step in the right direction, yes? Yes. Especially for the impulsive (me: I think I will get my Ph.D. Wait, the deadline is in a week for applications and I need to take the GREs? Eh. Maybe next year. Repeat.), Procrastinating (me: see previous.) and generally lazy. Ta-Da! Perfect description of me the past year regrading this. Maybe not taking action, it is more deciding to make a decision. Typical moi. Stew and fester and look at it from all angles, and stew some more and then decide to make a decision and then fester a little more and go back and forth and then.....make a decision. Christ. It is mind numbing.

So decision made to at least take the GREs is a step. In the right direction. It doesn't mean that I have ultimately decided to go back to school (Again)but at least I would have the option when impulsiveness strikes again. Done.

Also, this week I began the advisory thingamajig. Not too time consuming last week, but now we are really getting into it. And I like it. I really like it. So far. I didn't think I would like teaching about teaching this much. I mean, I knew I kind of liked it: When I got my master's I played with the idea of becoming a facilitator for the program but never did. (Shocker.) But I am really enjoying this, it makes me realize how much I have learned since first becoming a teacher.

Then there is the always time consuming preparations for President's Day festivities. I kid. There was a lot of general not being able to decide what to write about or just not feeling up to it. Eh. Winter.

Addtionally, and most sadly, Sophie. I have been meaning to tell you all and certainly have been, truthfully, working up the courage to write. I wanted my next post to be about her and how much of a part of our lives she is. Was. We decided to put her to sleep February 2nd. I thought that today I could write about her and not cry. Nope. Failed. Two weeks later the tears are still there...here, the knot in my throat, the wiping my snot on my sleeve (Ish, I know. Sorry, perhaps an overshare.). But these occurrences are happening less and less as I, we, get used to the absence.

It was, as many of you who have had to make such a decision, incredibly hard. I have never had to have my big girl panties on for this kind of stuff. My parents did the heavy lifting with our family dogs, or I was out of the country or something else excuse related. But as He Whom Shall Not Be Blogged About said: "If you get to be there for the good parts, you also have to be there for the bad parts."

And so we went. We made the decision the Friday before. Over a month of deteriorating health, mobility, muscle control and general Sophie-ness. She was the BEST dog I have ever had. Ever. A personality that is rare. And a hole in my heart exists that hurts multiple times a day. I write this not because I want sympathy or attention, but simply because I want to put into words what I am feeling and somehow get it out of my heart. And be done with it. I am not naive enough to think that I will stop missing her or being occasionally sad because I have now blogged about it, but I want to move on, past this mess. Not forget her, certainly not, but take one more step in the process of grieving and everything associated. Was she a pet? Yes. Was she a part of our family? Yes. There is no proportional response to grieving important parts of a family. She was part of ours and while she was "just" a pet, it doesn't make the hurt any less or any less felt.

Did we give her the best life we could at the end of her years? I don't think we could have done anymore. I really, truly, don't. And that made the decision humane, and just a little---a smidge--easier. It was fast. It was painless. We were both there. Done.

And on that note, I am done. We have talked about getting a puppy this summer when I can be home for Puppy Kindergarten and training. I look forward to it. We are Dog People. Capital letters. Mourning her and grieving forever does nothing to bring her back or honor her, in my eyes.

Over and out.