Cocoony.

This is today.  Dreary. Chilly. Cocoony.

It makes you want to put on some comfy clothes that may or may not have seen better days.....you aren't going out in this, so what?
After a week off for Spring Break, the weather matches my mood.
Not in a Dreary Chilly way....more in a contented, relaxed, at peace sort of vibe.

It makes you want to do putter-y-time-consuming-but-low-overall-maintenance type deals.
Like make the Wee One's food for the week.

Or....I dunno....not do dishes right away.

Or do naughty things disguised as healthy things.
Granola?  Good for you.
All the granola? Not.
This is seriously that good of a granola. I love it so.
It does not always return the sentiment.

The Wee One might have the right idea for today.
Enjoy your day!

100. Or...The True Story of How I Am Almost There....

I find it rather fitting that I just saw this is the 100th post. This blog was begun as a way to help me lose weight by keeping me "honest". And yet, in my absence of quite a few more months that I liked to see, I am almost done with my weight loss....journey?

That sounds too touchy-feely, too hokey. I am 3.5 pounds away from actually being within my BMI range----a feat that has not been accomplished in adult memory. To date, I have lost 36 pounds and I like---really like---what I see in the mirror.

I went back to the tried and true Weight Watchers. Because IT WORKS. This time has been different than my last 3 (recorded online; there might have been an additional one in there where I didn't record my progress online) attempts at WW. It feels different and has, quite honestly, been the easiest thus far.

For me, it was just a matter of relaxing. There has been a lot of positive thinking in terms of "This will be a success; it feels different." Or more accurately, "This feels different; it will be a success." I get up and walk every morning for at least a half hour, sometimes more. Not walking has not really been an option. Snooze button has not really been an option. And I don't really fight myself about it as I have in the past. There aren't really anymore of in-my-brain discussions or even getting a little mad that I have to get up and walk crap. Part of why it feels different is that there is just......I can't explain.....there is acceptance that this is what I have to do. It isn't a punishment for being fat, it isn't a bad thing, it isn't something that I will quit cold turkey when I have reached my goal.

Walking is my deal of choice for many reasons. It's free, for cripes sake. I roll out of bed, maybe/maybe not with the hair brushing so much.....and I am out the door in 3 minutes, cranking the tunes and enjoying the peace of the morning. I get up before my husband is up, before the dog is up(although Lionel has taken to taking my spot in the bed....) and see my regulars in the morning. There is the lady with the gray teeth and the grandpa in shorts and a gray mustache on his bike---ringing his bike bell to warn me he is coming. (There is a post coming with more about him.) I am going to have to figure out an alternative for when there is ice in the winter, but other than that....I walk. Rain or shine. It wakes me up, I feel better, I have more energy and it is out of the way first thing in the morning. I start to stress if I leave it for later, so I just do it right away. Done and done.

"Doing" Weight Watchers feels different because I am not battling myself nor beating myself up. I have gained a couple pounds a week here or there but I don't use it as an excuse to eat everything. Because it feels different. I don't sweat the gains because I know I will increase my walking the following week, or watch my points more closely, or make sure to get my healthy oils in that week, or make sure I take my multivitamin every day that week. And I lose the next week. I am not looking for a number as a goal....even now, I don't know what my ultimate goal will be. OF course, my goal is to be within a healthy BMI (174), but then I think, "Well, maybe 170...a nice round number and a little buffer." Then I think, "165? A little bigger buffer." We'll see how I feel at 170, to stay at 165 may be more work than I want to live my life by.

This time feels like when I quit smoking and it has felt like this since the very beginning. I just decided that I was no longer a smoker and pretty much quit cold turkey, October 1, 2001. There were maybe one or two regret cigs, but they tasted awful by that point and I didn't really enjoy smoking any more. Same deal with the couple weeks that I have gained. They felt bad; I felt bad. Not mentally---I knew what I was doing, I accepted the fact that I wanted a free-for-all couple days and more importantly....I accepted the fact that there would be consequences and I would have to make compensations the next week. And then I DID! What's more, I just felt physically crappy eating crappy food and lots of it.

I really don't obsess about it as I have in the past. I only weigh myself once a week. The previous times I would be tracking every morning and then that sometimes dictated what kind of day I would have, mood-wise. Once a week, my weigh in day on Monday, and that is it. I look forward to Mondays, honestly. Partly because most Mondays, there has been some sort of weight loss----sometimes a surprising amount.

I also don't obsess about points as I have in the past. I track my points, even when I eat something crappy (That I decide to eat and not beat myself up for the choice and just enjoy it.) It is about the total picture of the week. I have extra points each week and for the most part I dip into them each week. Some weeks are deeper dips than others. When I go into my exercise points, after blowing by all my weekly points and daily points....I usually have stayed the same or gained a little. But again, I compensate the next week. I am not going to lose all my weight in one week; a marathon, not a sprint.

Lastly, I am not really using the Weight Watchers recipes or fat-free products, or any thing that allows me to eat as I once did just with fewer points. That is not how my husband and I live. That is not something I want to sustain. I like the taste of real whipped cream. If I know I want to have chocolate pudding, with whipped cream and raspberries.....then I have to eat fewer points during the day to account for it. Then I can enjoy it. I have found that I prefer to have points that I have to eat at the end of the day rather than the other way around. It makes me not stress. For example, today I met my brothers for lunch and ordered broiled walleye, not realizing it would be broiled in butter. Well, that butter ate up most of my points and I now have no points left for the day. Which means that I will dip into my weekly points for dinner tonight. I still haven't had my healthy oils for the day. Which means sauteed veggies in olive oil is for supper for me. Maybe some popcorn after supper if I am still hungry. And now, I have learned to ask how food is prepared before I order. I am a little stressed that I don't have points, but have also learned a valuable lesson not to be repeated. I have let it go and accepted that this is today's gig.

In the end, it has come down to decisions and the mental part of weight loss. It has always been this for me. I have been concerned about my weight for most...strike that...ALL of my life. As a result, I have read many books, learned many things, and know a lot about how to lose weight. Yet, I never have been successful for any period of time or with this large of a loss. It feels different because I am actually doing the things I have learned and stopped freaking out about all the static that was my downfall before---every time. "What if I gain it back?" (I won't; I am going to be honest with myself when I gain and get on top of it the following week) "I am not losing weight fast enough." (So what?!?! I am still losing weight overall and am going to continue to do the things that have been working for me in the past.) And on and on and blah blah blah. I don't care about the excuses or negotiations anymore.

It just feels different and I am really really proud of myself.

Am I Wandering?

I am starting to see the beginnings of "The Abandonment of the Militant Freakshow". (It sounds like a quasi-Renaissance painting.......)

Now, if this is deemed to be true......this, THIS, is the time that I prepared for when I began this blog. My wanderlust begins. I start to feel like I have been eating well, good choices have been made pretty consistently......The thought process: "One poor choice of what to eat or how much won't hurt anything." starts to worm into my brain.

Ah, poor food choices. How I love thee sometimes. Throwing caution to the wind and going back to the salad bar a second time. Rationale: Whatever! It's still a salad.....that's a good choice.

Why, yes, Militant Freakshow, it is. If you get the vegetables, not all the creamy pasta salads.

The poor choices that I confess here, to you, now---they were not necessarily plentiful, but added up, they could be labeled wanderlust from healthy choices....done.

Truth be told, folks: yesterday was the first major flub up that I have really had (And it was on a relatively small scale compared to past mistakes). Since the healthy eating journey began, I have not starved myself, I have not denied myself something I truly wanted, I have not suffered.

In fact, I have been quite proud of myself.

So. Why was yesterday a flubber? (Remember the Judy Blume book, Blubber? Wasn't it about a fat kid....) Well, because I didn't really want the second trip. Really. Even while I was going to get Round Two Plate, I had a conversation with myself, and I knew I didn't really want it. Yet, I continued. And that is why I consider it a poor choice. I ignored myself.

Now, if I was still hungry, and I was craving what I put on my plate then it would have been no big whoop.

There. Having purged myself of this incident here on these pages, I can move on. I already know that I am not going to continue making choices like yesterday because I have written it here. In the past, (Stop me if you've heard this one...) I would have used that as a reason to continue my demise and departure from the healthy living bandwagon.

In fact, if memory serves, at this point I would begin gnawing on one of the Bandwagon's wheels while eyeing a side panel to munch on.

I usually end up eating the whole wagon.

But, no more. Back on track folks. Riding shotgun on the Healthy Living Bandwagon once again. I kind of wish I had a kazoo. Thanks for a trip through my inner psyche. It helped.

I Am Not a Militant Freakshow.

So. There I was in an all fire hurry to get the shoes (Oh, the shoes....) the other day. I have reached critical mass once again and I feel the need to do something about it. Also a motivation to start the blog, actually.

I have always been a "Big Boned Gal". Even big headed, and not in the egotistical sense. Literally. A BIG head. My mom enjoys telling people that whilst I was a babe, she had to make sure to get the shirts with snaps on the side so that she could get the darn thing over my head. Pretty Girl.

We're gonna start with a clean slate here, no secrets between us. I don't want to be model thin. Nor do I want to be "thin" or "skinny" as a label. I just want to be healthy. That in and of itself is a change from a decade ago. I DID want to be "thin" as a label. As in, "Yeah, the girl over there...the "Thin" one." That ship has sailed, my friend. The desire, not the reality. I could be "thin" but I think I would obsess about food too much (read: More.) and I would have to work out much more than I am right now (read: None.) and gasp on a REGULAR BASIS. Those that know me, know that while I am gung ho in the beginning about working out and watching what I eat (read: Militant Freakshow.)....it doesn't last.

Let's step inside the Way Back Machine for a moment, shall we? From what I can remember ....besides sneaking the Oreos when no one was looking by climbing up on the counter....I know. It's not a pretty thing to admit. But, it's out there. So.........my first experience with my "issues" was Diet Center in 6th Grade. Yep, folks. 6th grade, on an official diet where you go in to get weighed (I can't remember if this one was weekly or daily.). How old are you in 6th grade? 12? 11? Christ. All I took away from that was the memory of homemade mayonnaise. I hearted it.

Again, Diet Center in 11th grade. I look at pictures from High School and think, "Cripes, I looked pretty good. What was the deal?" But, I clearly remember, CLEARLY, hating my body and the way that I looked. Why don't the young realize what they have and just enjoy life? If I could go back for real, I would give myself a real good talking to. For sure.

Summer after graduating, spent in Ecuador. Let's just say that my new intestinal friends helped with the weight loss effort. Didn't last.

College was fun, but not necessarily my shining moment in terms of healthy eating.

OH! I forgot my Richard Simmons kick in junior high??? At some point in my life, I watched the Richard Simmons show, I might or might not have exercised along with Richard. (He is a "Richard", not a Rich, Richie, Dick, Dickie...this is a case of where the personality is name-specific.) Again, not proud, but there it is. I think I even had his book, one of them, in my possession at one time. Oh, the shame.

Various Diets With a Capital D that I have tried (and remember):

South Beach Diet (Ick. And WAY too expensive.)

French Women Don't Get Fat (But apparently this "diet" does not get past immigration in my house, although it had some really, REALLY good, helpful information about changing my mindset towards food, weight, dieting, exercising, etc.)

Weight Watchers [To date: I believe 3, maybe 4 times. It is a really good program, and one of the most sensible..........but, as I said, I am NOT a militant Freakshow. I do okay at the beginning because I have something to focus on and obsess over (counting points, not counting points, getting all my dairy in, blah blagh, blahhhhhh.), but eventually I hate the control and restrictions I place on myself and slowly sneak back into old habits. It really works for some people and I truly, honestly, not-trying-to-be-Pollyanna-here am really happy for them. And oddly proud of them, even though I don't know these Nebulous, Unknown Weight Watchers.]

The No Fat Diet (Everything you eat is non fat. And also, apparently, non taste. Enter a Doritos Incident.)

"Diets Don't Work" Nope. They don't. And neither does your book.

I am sure there were more official ones, but these are the ones that jump out in my brain. There have been multiple attempts at "Just Eating Right". Read: Just Not Paying Attention.

So. Here I am. I am not a Militant Freakshow. You know the type. It becomes a religion. I can think that I will stick to a diet and exercise, but I know that eventually, I will be found beating myself up and drowning my sorrows, Dorito dust still lingering in the air. (My love hate relationship with Doritos will be discussed in a future post. Let's just say, "We have issues.")

I can't...well, I CAN, but I know that I won't...be the hyper-vigilant dieter who counts calories and fat grams and bottles of water and minutes exercised and calories used, etc. There is a part of me that really wishes that I was. Truly was a Militant Freakshow. Because then this would no longer be an issue for me. Diet Center in 6th grade would have given me the tools and I would be over my dealings with the scale in a frustrating way.

Since I am not a Militant Freakshow, I have to figure out a method that will work for me. The one thing all the business with the Diets above has gotten me is knowledge. All the books I read and meetings I have gone to have given me information. Eat less. Move more. This, I know. We all know it. I eat mindlessly. I eat huge portions. I eat fast. All of it, all of the sordid mess.

I HAVE begun a walking regimen. 30 minutes last night after I posted and 30 minutes this morning. So. There, then. I am not on a diet. I am changing habits to live a healthier life, not to lose weight. Although, that WILL be a byproduct. I weighed 200.5 lbs 3 days ago. I'd like to be able to say I threw out my scale after that, but I didn't. I (in my Militant Freakshow Flashback) have weighed myself every morning and have dropped a pound each day. Duh. I know it is all water, but it feels good. I am not going to be weighing myself every day, I know it won't last and will just serve to frustrate me.

The day I weighed 200.5, my measurements were taken as well........let's discuss that tomorrow. Let's just say it relates to a Letter in the Alphabet and probably not the one you think.

Thus, the blog begun. I have tried "journaling" and it helped for a while. This is just, for me, an uber journal. If I know that people are reading it, then it holds me accountable in a place in my mind where I have supreme trouble holding myself accountable. My plan is to post everyday, sometimes related to my "Healthy Livin", sometimes not. I have sent a link to friends, in the hope that they will read or at least tell me they are reading and if other people stumble upon this blog and take something away, so be it...great. All I ask is for an occasional comment (Thanks, Rach.) every now and then to let me know you are out there. Over and out.