Lionel.

Can we talk about Lionel?

I don't remember the last time that I showed you all a picture of this guy.  He looks less than pleased here.  This was right before I left for Italy this summer and I wanted a picture to show the family that I used to work for as a nanny.  The dad and youngest son were here the summer we got Lionel.  He looked like a black lab puppy.  I wanted to show them how three years had changed him, so I used myself as a perspective giver.

This is the ding dong at the dog park.  He gets all heated up in eleventeen seconds and heads right for the swampy mess of a pond.  Happy as a clam.  Eating mud, being all Loch Ness Monster-y.....right after this picture was taken, he turned around and looked at me with grass hanging from his mouth and mud dripping from his jowls.  God, he reaked that day.  Thus, so did my car with the cloth seats.  For days.

This is his stoic look.  Not really.  He could be tired, he could be pissed off, he is actually looking out the front window surveying his kingdom.  He does not deign to give attention to me this day.

Exhausted.  Too tired to get out of the car after a day at "school".  "Ef You." is what is probably thinking right now.

Do you know what makes you happy?

If you had to, could you come up with a succinct answer in 30 seconds? I'd even give a person a full on minute if they needed it.

Shouldn't I ideally be able to answer that question in that amount if time?

Shouldn't anyone?

I ask because I am not sure I would be satisfied with the completeness of an answer I wound give right now. I would, without hesitation, have a solid start. My husband and our marriage, our dog, having good health---that is maybe more grateful than happy----a beautiful fall day with crisp autumn air and sun.

But much beyond that? I falter a little. Would you? What would you say beyond the 'obvious'? Would you feel obligated to say your relationship with family? Baggage and all? Your kids? Your job?

I want to know what truly---no societal pressure or expectations to say the right things---makes me happy. What is only mine, not dependent on outside factors or people...but what is mine in my heart and within my control. Really, it shouldn't be that hard----and if it is, then all the more reason to ruminate, yes?

I don't feel lost, I just feel a dissatisfaction----for lack of a better word----with my status quo...and have for some time.

I do tend to fester about decisions, and to be honest, I have been stuck for a couple years. Generally, I mull things over, make the best decision I can and move on. This time, I seem to be spinning my wheels WAY longer that even I am comfortable with.

So. There.

The challenge is to figure it honestly out and then have the courage to act on whatever that is.

Challenge accepted.