I find it rather fitting that I just saw this is the 100th post. This blog was begun as a way to help me lose weight by keeping me "honest". And yet, in my absence of quite a few more months that I liked to see, I am almost done with my weight loss....journey?
That sounds too touchy-feely, too hokey. I am 3.5 pounds away from actually being within my BMI range----a feat that has not been accomplished in adult memory. To date, I have lost 36 pounds and I like---really like---what I see in the mirror.
I went back to the tried and true Weight Watchers. Because IT WORKS. This time has been different than my last 3 (recorded online; there might have been an additional one in there where I didn't record my progress online) attempts at WW. It feels different and has, quite honestly, been the easiest thus far.
For me, it was just a matter of relaxing. There has been a lot of positive thinking in terms of "This will be a success; it feels different." Or more accurately, "This feels different; it will be a success." I get up and walk every morning for at least a half hour, sometimes more. Not walking has not really been an option. Snooze button has not really been an option. And I don't really fight myself about it as I have in the past. There aren't really anymore of in-my-brain discussions or even getting a little mad that I have to get up and walk crap. Part of why it feels different is that there is just......I can't explain.....there is acceptance that this is what I have to do. It isn't a punishment for being fat, it isn't a bad thing, it isn't something that I will quit cold turkey when I have reached my goal.
Walking is my deal of choice for many reasons. It's free, for cripes sake. I roll out of bed, maybe/maybe not with the hair brushing so much.....and I am out the door in 3 minutes, cranking the tunes and enjoying the peace of the morning. I get up before my husband is up, before the dog is up(although Lionel has taken to taking my spot in the bed....) and see my regulars in the morning. There is the lady with the gray teeth and the grandpa in shorts and a gray mustache on his bike---ringing his bike bell to warn me he is coming. (There is a post coming with more about him.) I am going to have to figure out an alternative for when there is ice in the winter, but other than that....I walk. Rain or shine. It wakes me up, I feel better, I have more energy and it is out of the way first thing in the morning. I start to stress if I leave it for later, so I just do it right away. Done and done.
"Doing" Weight Watchers feels different because I am not battling myself nor beating myself up. I have gained a couple pounds a week here or there but I don't use it as an excuse to eat everything. Because it feels different. I don't sweat the gains because I know I will increase my walking the following week, or watch my points more closely, or make sure to get my healthy oils in that week, or make sure I take my multivitamin every day that week. And I lose the next week. I am not looking for a number as a goal....even now, I don't know what my ultimate goal will be. OF course, my goal is to be within a healthy BMI (174), but then I think, "Well, maybe 170...a nice round number and a little buffer." Then I think, "165? A little bigger buffer." We'll see how I feel at 170, to stay at 165 may be more work than I want to live my life by.
This time feels like when I quit smoking and it has felt like this since the very beginning. I just decided that I was no longer a smoker and pretty much quit cold turkey, October 1, 2001. There were maybe one or two regret cigs, but they tasted awful by that point and I didn't really enjoy smoking any more. Same deal with the couple weeks that I have gained. They felt bad; I felt bad. Not mentally---I knew what I was doing, I accepted the fact that I wanted a free-for-all couple days and more importantly....I accepted the fact that there would be consequences and I would have to make compensations the next week. And then I DID! What's more, I just felt physically crappy eating crappy food and lots of it.
I really don't obsess about it as I have in the past. I only weigh myself once a week. The previous times I would be tracking every morning and then that sometimes dictated what kind of day I would have, mood-wise. Once a week, my weigh in day on Monday, and that is it. I look forward to Mondays, honestly. Partly because most Mondays, there has been some sort of weight loss----sometimes a surprising amount.
I also don't obsess about points as I have in the past. I track my points, even when I eat something crappy (That I decide to eat and not beat myself up for the choice and just enjoy it.) It is about the total picture of the week. I have extra points each week and for the most part I dip into them each week. Some weeks are deeper dips than others. When I go into my exercise points, after blowing by all my weekly points and daily points....I usually have stayed the same or gained a little. But again, I compensate the next week. I am not going to lose all my weight in one week; a marathon, not a sprint.
Lastly, I am not really using the Weight Watchers recipes or fat-free products, or any thing that allows me to eat as I once did just with fewer points. That is not how my husband and I live. That is not something I want to sustain. I like the taste of real whipped cream. If I know I want to have chocolate pudding, with whipped cream and raspberries.....then I have to eat fewer points during the day to account for it. Then I can enjoy it. I have found that I prefer to have points that I have to eat at the end of the day rather than the other way around. It makes me not stress. For example, today I met my brothers for lunch and ordered broiled walleye, not realizing it would be broiled in butter. Well, that butter ate up most of my points and I now have no points left for the day. Which means that I will dip into my weekly points for dinner tonight. I still haven't had my healthy oils for the day. Which means sauteed veggies in olive oil is for supper for me. Maybe some popcorn after supper if I am still hungry. And now, I have learned to ask how food is prepared before I order. I am a little stressed that I don't have points, but have also learned a valuable lesson not to be repeated. I have let it go and accepted that this is today's gig.
In the end, it has come down to decisions and the mental part of weight loss. It has always been this for me. I have been concerned about my weight for most...strike that...ALL of my life. As a result, I have read many books, learned many things, and know a lot about how to lose weight. Yet, I never have been successful for any period of time or with this large of a loss. It feels different because I am actually doing the things I have learned and stopped freaking out about all the static that was my downfall before---every time. "What if I gain it back?" (I won't; I am going to be honest with myself when I gain and get on top of it the following week) "I am not losing weight fast enough." (So what?!?! I am still losing weight overall and am going to continue to do the things that have been working for me in the past.) And on and on and blah blah blah. I don't care about the excuses or negotiations anymore.
It just feels different and I am really really proud of myself.
